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哈罗。大家好，谢谢各位的捧场。谢谢 Hello. Hello, everybody,thank you very much. Thank you.
掌声雷动啊！很好 A big welcome! Nice.
真热烈。欢迎收看 A big welcome.Thank you and welcome.
这周开始节目会很特别 Welcome to what is a very special show,
因为这是圣诞特辑 because it is our Christmas special.
没错，今年有点不同 Yeah, and this year it's a little bit different.
是啊，因为现在已经是三月中旬了。是的 Yeah, because it's actually the middle of March. It is.
主要的不同在于我们的制片人 The main reason it's a little bit different is because our producers
告诉我们要进行一次长途卡车驾驶挑战 have told us that we should try our hands at long-distance lorry driving.
我认为这主意棒极了。是的 Literally, my idea of heaven. Yeah.
他们让我们哥仨驾驶自己买来的卡车体验一趟 They told us each to buy a truck and report with it
缅甸联邦共和国之旅 to what the BBC calls the Republic of the Union of Myanmar.
人们通常也叫它缅甸 But everybody else calls it Burma.
集合地点位于缅甸首府仰光， The meeting point was a giant parade ground
一块宽阔的阅兵场 in the middle of the old capital city, Rangoon.
我第一个抵达 And I was the first to arrive.
我买了一套音箱 I've bought a stereo.
车顶挂满了一排扬声器 I have a speaker system here in the roof,
副驾驶座也被低音炮取代 the passenger seat has been replaced with a subwoofer,
旁边是两个总功率高达2300瓦的放大器 and there are two amps with a combined power of 2,300 watts.
值得一提的是，这车的价钱包含了这把梳子 The best thing is,included in the price was this comb
以及所有这一切 and...an entire lorry.
它制造于1959年... It was built in 1959...
或者1976年。卖家也不太确定 or 1976.People are a bit hazy on that.
但我们能肯定的是，它的挡泥胶皮由五十铃制造 What we do know for sure is that Isuzu made the mud flaps,
但奇怪的是，轮毂螺栓印着三菱的标志 which is odd, because it says Mitsubishi on the axles.
噢！ Ooh!
那是詹姆士？是的 Is that James? It is James.
这也叫卡车？ Don't really call that a lorry.
早上好。这是货车，伙计。什么？ Morning. Van, mate. What?
我们要买卡车。这就是卡车 We had to bring lorries.That is a lorry.
这是货车。严格地说它是辆吊车。我买了辆吊车 It's a van.Technically it's a crane, actually. I've bought a crane.
噢，那就是吊臂？瞧瞧 Oh, is that what that is? Look at that.
配备两台绞盘，液压支架... A crane, two winches,hydraulic rams,legs...
以及最前卫的仪表板设计 And it had the latest in high-tech dashboards.
一团糟 That's a mess.
这是你强迫症的表现么... Isn't this going to drive your OCD madness...
好吧，我给按键贴上了它们可能对应功能的贴纸 Well, I've put labels on things corresponding to what I think they do.
警告灯...这是什么？ Hazards... What's that?
我不知道所以画了个问号。我的卡车是运动型的 I've had to put a question mark on it. Mine is a sports lorry.
直列六缸，后轮驱动，双尾排 Straight six, rear-wheel drive,twin exhausts.
它和宝马325i简直一模一样 BMW 325i and this, almost identical.
还有环绕立体声音响。真的？ Banging stereo. Really?
没错。听听看？不。我猜它一定... Seriously. You want to hear it? Not really. I expect it's quite...
好吧，我想它不会打搅到周围的人 Anyway, I'm sure that won't become annoying at all.
我想问你个问题。什么？你为啥系领带？ I need to ask you a question. What? Why are you wearing a tie?
因为我是现代的卡车司机 Because I'm a modern lorry driver,
现代卡车司机需要衣着体面 and modern lorry drivers are crisp and sharp.
过去卡车司机那种 The days are over when you simply turned up
邋遢形象不适合我 with a glove box full of strong pornography and egg on your vest.
与此同时，哈蒙德到了 At this point, Hammond arrived
形象简直屌爆了 with a glove box full of strong pornography and egg on his vest.
觉得如何？ What do you think?
这是个啥？卡车还是寺庙？ What is it? A lorry or a Hindu temple?
这车重度改装过。是吗？ This has been extensively modded.Has it?
不只是外观上的改装 Not just the visual improvements.
改得很棒，除了灯组和一些小地方之外，瞧这... They are significant, the lights and the little studdy things, but note...
噢，天啊 Oh, God.
全包围框架。这是辆农用车。是的 All of that frame arrangement,right, it's a farm truck. Yeah.
所以它能运输密度低但体积大的货物 And that's so it can accommodate those low-density big loads.
比如什么？庄稼。这里能有什么庄稼？缅甸？ Big loads of what? Crops.What crop? Here? In Burma?
金三角的老家。草垛。不。萝卜。不 Home of the Golden Triangle。Hay. No. Or turnips. No.
甘蓝。不，海洛因 Kale. No, heroin.
这里只出毒品。你买了辆贩毒卡车 That's all they really grow here.You've bought a heroin lorry.
车上有海洛因，真的？ Fit a lot of heroine in there,wouldn't you?
哈蒙德，这座椅说真的，像从教堂扒来的。是 Hammond, this seat, well, let's be honest, it's a church pew. Yeah.
看起来就像阿加莎·克里斯蒂描述的那种火车厢 （阿加莎·克里斯蒂：英国侦探小说作家，女爵士） It looks like the sort of railway carriage that Agatha Christie went about in.
詹姆士买了辆货车 James has bought a van.
我怎么没看见，还是说车太小了？ Has he parked it a long way away,or is it that small?
当我们取笑杰瑞米的漆面时，挑战到了 As we were admiring the paintwork on Jeremy's lorry, our challenge arrived.'
我很兴奋，想想看！开着这些大家伙上路的样子 I'm quite excited, actually, come to think of it! We're here with these.
1943年，英军，澳军，荷兰军队的战俘 "In 1943, British, Australian and Dutch prisoners of war
被日本强制派遣到这里修建 "were forced by their Japanese captors to build the Burma Railway
横穿东南亚的缅甸铁路 across South-East Asia.
内容你们都在电影《桂河大桥》里看过了 Their efforts and their suffering were immortalised in the film
本次挑战内容是 Bridge On The River Kwai.That's what you're going to do.
修建一座能承载你们三辆卡车重量的 You're going to build a river bridge which is strong enough
足够坚固的桥 to support the weight of your lorries."
我对修桥一无所知。造桥？！ I don't know anything about bridge-building. Build a bridge?!
这得建多大的桥...是啊，多大？ How big a bridge are we going to have to build... Yeah, how big?
你车多重？差不多1000吨。或许更重 How much does yours weigh? About 1,000 tonnes. Afraid it gets worse.
你知道这是一次长途卡车挑战？是 You know they said long-distance lorry driving? Yes.
第一个问题，我们先要去到目标河流 The only trouble is that you have to drive to the river in question
在泰国某处 which is in Thailand.
桂河不在泰国。不，它就在泰国 The River Kwai is not in Thailand.Yes, it is.
桂河在泰国。真的？泰国在哪？但... The River Kwai is in Thailand.Is it? Where's Thailand? But it's in...
我保证，桂河 I promise you, the River Kwai,
多数人认为在缅甸，其实它在泰国 I know everyone thinks it's Burma,it isn't, it's Thailand.
所以我们要建一座桂河大桥 So we're going to go and build a bridge over the River Kwai.
就像亚利克·基尼斯 （《桂河大桥》里扮演尼柯逊上校，奥斯卡最佳男演员） 但我不懂造桥 Like Alec Guinness.I don't know how to build a bridge.
带着满腔斗志，旅程开始了 In high spirits,the journey began.
出发 We are off.
哦耶 Oh, yeah.
我们算出前往桂河的最佳路线是 We worked out that the most sensible way of getting to the river
先笔直再向右 was to head right across Burma
最后回头穿越缅泰边境抵达目的地 to its northernmost border crossing with Thailand.
这史诗般1200英里（1931公里）的旅程里 On this epic 1,200 mile journey,
我们遇见过空无一人的新城 we would find strange new cities with no-one in them
穿越了侏罗纪公园般的山脉 cross mountain ranges straight out of Jurassic Park,
驶过颠簸的山涧溪流 ford disease-filled rivers and attend a party which made
也体验了现代文明之外的风土习俗 the scene at the end of Apocalypse Now look like a quiet night in.
这一切的一切都从现在开始 And we'd have to do it all in lorries which,
但开始并不顺利 right at the start,weren't really working properly.
仪表全是坏的 There are gauges. Nothing works.
没一个正常工作。 Nothing at all. Not one of them.
燃油表，机油表，机油压力表，电瓶，负压 Not fuel gauge, oil,oil pressure, charge, vacuum,
冷却液温度，一个不剩 temperature, nothing works.
噢，老天！ Oh, God above!
啊！听着不太妙 Ah! That's not it.
这变速箱没有同步器 There's no synchromesh on this gearbox,
所以三档切二档时，你必须 so when you go from third to second or whatever, you have to
噢，见鬼 - 使用两脚离合 oh, bloody Nora - double de-clutch.
像这样。只为平顺点 Like that. Only smoother.
噢！ Oh!
噢，天啊 Oh, God.
现在车速多少？车速表坏了 How fast am I going? Speedo doesn't work.
噢，我滴个亲娘！底盘抖得欲仙欲死 Oh, my giddy aunt! The ride is shocking.
呃！ OG!
方向盘有些旷量 Possibly a bit of play in the steering.
为各位介绍一下我的刹车。废物一个 Let me talk you through my brakes.They don't really work.
制动踏板前三厘米行程踩下去毫无反应 I've got three centimetres of pedal travel where nothing happens,
接着踩下一毫米，车轮就立刻抱死了 and then a millimetre where it all happens and the wheels lock up.
这车没手刹，不开玩笑。我找了半天 There's no handbrake,and I'm not being stupid. I've looked everywhere.
拉它没有断气刹的声音。没有手刹杆，没有旋钮 There isn't a puh-chh! one,there isn't hand one, there isn't a switch.
除了机械问题外 And on top of the mechanical problems,
我们对仰光的行人也有了大致的认识 we had to deal with Rangoon's pedestrians.
别在路中间犹犹豫豫！ Stop wandering about in the road!
哇奥！一个牵着孩子的老头走过你的车尾 Whoa! A granddad's just walked by that child, right underneath your lorry.
喔奥！又一个 Whoa! Somebody else just did it.
路人对危险熟视无睹。毫无畏惧 Pedestrians have no concept of traffic. None at all.
还有个问题 And there was another issue.
在这开车的另一个麻烦是 One of the reasons that driving here is so difficult
虽然这里都是右舵车 is because everybody, as you can see, has right-hand-drive cars,
但他们是靠右行驶的 but they drive on the right.
原因在于，曾经46年里，缅甸被一个叫 And this is because, for 46 years,Burma was run by
吴奈温的家伙掌控政权，一个疯狂独裁者 a chap called General Ne Win,who was a proper lunatic.
他治国的方式主要靠白日梦和各种迷信 He was guided mostly either by his dreams or by his astrologers.
某天他睡醒后想 One morning, he woke up and he thought,
我的国家正滑向左倾错误 My country is slipping too far to the left politically,
所以我要强制国民 so I shall correct this by forcing everybody
靠右行驶来解决这个问题 to drive on the right-hand side of the road.
这么做的结果就是害惨了公交车乘客 This makes life particularly difficult for bus passengers.
过会我们就能看见公交车停在路边 In a minute, we'll see a bus pulled up at the side of the road,
然后乘客会从马路中间走下车 at a bus stop, but all the people will be getting out
因为这些车本应该靠左行驶，所以车门是... into the road, because the bus used to go on the left, so the doors...
简直疯了！ It's just complete madness!
你可能疑惑 You may be wondering why today
为什么这里的人们不买左舵车... people don't buy left-hand-drive cars...
说实话，我也不知道 and if I'm honest,I'm wondering that as well.
之后又出了个大问题，詹姆士在路线选择上出了差错 Our worst problem, however,was that James was navigating.
詹姆士，我能说这么干不太合适吗 James, can I say,this can't be right.
抱歉！抱歉！ Sorry! Sorry!
他曾经开飞机也是想停哪就停哪么？ How does James ever land his aeroplane where he wants to be?
很好，应该是这条路 Right, should be this way.
很遗憾又错了。这能开进去么？ It wasn't.Will I even fit down there?
注意你的右边，哈蒙德。太窄了！ Mind that sign on your right,Hammond. This is ridiculously tight!
当我下车对摊主进行一些赔偿... As I sorted out some compensation for the damaged fruit...
谢谢。不，不！噢，明白了，钱不够。 Thank you. No, no! Oh, I see, it was not enough.
哈蒙德第一次意识到 Hammond was discovering for the very first time
车身高度问题 the problems of being tall.'
等等，这些电线...太低了 Hold on a second, these wires...these are too low.
噢，天啊 Oh, God.
我觉得如果把这根线抬起来...这根线，是吧？ I'm thinking if I crane out...It's only this one, isn't it?
是的，抬起来，你从下面过去，我帮你顶着 Yeah, lift that, you come underneath, I'll drop it on you,
你会贴着它们过去 then it will just slide along your rails.
干吧。给你5英镑怎么样？ Do it.How about five crisp English pounds?
保持。保持 Keep coming. Keep coming.
还没触电 Haven't been electrocuted yet.
还没触电。没被电到 Haven't been electrocuted yet.Still haven't been electrocuted.
不喜欢这感觉！噢，要被电死了！ I don't like it! Oh, everyone's going to die!
彭！ BANG!
你把我车扯开一个洞！ You've ripped a hole in the top of my truck!
詹姆士...你的车...你的车在移动，詹姆士！ James... Why is your...Your lorry's moving, James!
你的绞盘在...拉住你的手刹 You've winched yourself into...Put your handbrake on.
这车没手刹。你说没手刹是啥意思？ It hasn't got a handbrake.What do you mean
就是没手刹的意思！ It hasn't got a handbrake!
整条街都被我们堵住了 We were causing chaos.
坏了 It's broken.
哇奥！那是啥？！詹姆士，我的头都炸了！ Whoa! What was that?!James, I've got a headache!
我从没这么紧张过！ I've never concentrated this hard!
抱歉。我不认为能通过这里，伙计 Sorry. I don't think it will go through there, mate.
抱歉。抱歉 Sorry. Sorry.
目前为止，好消息是我们前进了两英里（3.2公里） Still, the good news is we've done two miles.
最终，我们冲出了重围 Mercifully, we eventually broke free from the narrow streets.
太痛苦了。左脚不停踩离合... I'm in agony. Left foot,endless gear changing...
老天 God above.
倒档 Reverse.
三档...噢，老天！ Third... Oh, Christ!
等等 Hang on a minute.
如果我一直低速行驶并切到三档 If I engage the low range then I can put it in third gear
这样保持一整天 and basically leave it there all day.
啊哈！是不是很聪明？ A-ha! How brilliant is this?
哦耶 Oh, yeah.
不用换档了 No more gear changing.
感觉不像低档 That doesn't feel very low range to me.
难道这不是低速档？ What is it if it isn't a low-range gearbox?
噢，老天！ Oh, my God!
我的货斗翘起来了 My truck has split in half.
跟杰瑞米解释他买的是自卸卡车后 After I had explained to Jeremy that he'd bought a tipper lorry,
我又和CW McCall激情对话 （CW McCall：美国歌手、活动家和政治家， 以卡车主题乡村歌曲闻名） I then had to deal with CW McCall on the CB radio.
嘿，詹姆士。哈罗 Hey, James. Hello.
我有那玩意。你有啥？ I've got it. You've got it?
是的，我有手刹 Yeah, my handle.
我会被称作战斗的孔雀 （Fighting Peacock： 上世纪六、七十年代缅甸留学生欧洲刊物） I'm going to be called Fighting Peacock.
能把你简称“鸟人”么？那你叫什么？ Can I just abbreviate that to Cock? What are you going to be?
我还叫詹姆士，这是我名字 I thought I'd be James,because that's my name.
战斗的孔雀！ Fighting Peacock!
来到郊外，我们拜访了一座纪念馆 On the outskirts of Rangoon,we came across a memorial
这里安葬了二战时期阵亡的 to the 27,000 Commonwealth soldiers
27000名英联邦战士 who died here in the Second World War.
这里的气氛比在周日下午看一场 It was a timely reminder that the Bridge On The River Kwai
类似《桂河大桥》的电影更具教育意义 was rather more than a Sunday afternoon movie.
日本军官走过去，举起铁镐 The Japanese sergeant moved into position, lifted his pick handle
重重打在史密斯背上，那一击足以打倒一头牛 and delivered a blow across Smith's back that would have laid out a bull.
暴行陆续上演 All the thugs now set to in earnest.
很快，铁镐上满是鲜血 Soon, little could be seen but the rise and fall
已经分不清轮廓 of pick helves above the heads of the group,
面对倒在地上奄奄一息的劳工 and there were sickening thuds as blows went home on the squirming, kicking body,
暴行丝毫没有停止的迹象 periodically pulled back onto its feet only to be knocked down again.
比尔·史密斯向日本军官哭求饶过50岁的自己 Bill Smith cried out repeatedly that he was 50 years of age,
但毫无作用... appealing for mercy,but to no avail...
悲剧在于，那27000名战士 The tragedy is that all of those 27,000 men
为解放缅甸而牺牲 died fighting for the liberation of Burma,
而战争结束后，缅甸脱离英国独立了 and straight after the war,Britain got rid of it
后来他们被愚蠢的独裁者和各种妖魔鬼怪所统治 and then it fell into the hands of a tin-pot dictator and Mystic Meg.
当詹姆士研究地图时，我们正驶向乡间小路 With James still map-reading,we headed out into the countryside,
这让我们以为驾驶会轻松些 where we hoped the driving would be less stressful.
（和谐音）靠！ BLEEP Nora!
这是我出城后第一次抱死，完全抱死 That's my first lock-up,total lock-up.
我的二档没了 I've lost second gear.
就是这样 There it is.
杰瑞米，那辆巴士要超你，简直疯了 Jeremy, that bus overtaking you,he's mad.
看，我不能关门，我要换档 Look, I can't,I'm trying to change gear.
时光在这样的混乱中流逝 The miles and the hours rolled by.
噢！噢！ Ow! Ow!
我坐在教堂皮椅上，老天 I'm sitting on a church pew,for God's sake.
我的膝盖...啊！ My knee... Ah!
奥！奥！ Ow! Ow!
我的膝盖！奥！ My knee! Ow!
那是落日的景色 That is the going down of the sun.
太美了。瞧啊 It's fabulous. Look at that.
然而，当太阳完全消失后 However, when the sun had finished going down
情况就不太好了 things weren't so fabulous.
那个骑车女孩简直不可见 That girl on that bike,she's just invisible.
路边的助力车和自行车 There's a moped there with no lights on
统统没有车灯 and a bicycle there with no lights on,
完全看不清他们 and I can't really see them,
因为我的车灯就像萤火虫一样微弱 because my headlights are, well,they're glow-worms in jam jars.
哈蒙德，你看得清路况吗？ Can you see anything, Hammond?
不行 Not a thing.
完全看不见，只有挡风玻璃的反光 Literally, just my own stupid reflection in my windscreen.
上帝，我真怕撞到行人 Jeez, I'm so frightened of running over a pedestrian,
膝盖问题已经不足为虑了 I'm not even worried about my knee any more.
哇奥！ Whoa!
好吧，如果评价这里的司机素质 Well, if I had to dip the headlights,
他们不是把灯开到最亮就是完全不开 it would appear to be full beam or off.
那卡车只有一展灯，我还以为它是辆摩托车 A lorry with one central headlamp,so you think it's a motorbike
直到交汇的最后一秒，不！这是辆大卡车！ until the last second, and then, no!It's a massive truck!
太累了。我已连续驾驶12小时 I'm bloody tired. I've been driving today for exactly 12 hours.
在英国这是违法的 That would be illegal in Britain.
但我们很接近留宿旅店了 But we are now very close to the overnight hotel.
又过了两小时痛苦旅程，终于抵达了目的地 Two agonising hours later,we reached it.
知道吗？这里很符合卡车司机风格。真要住这里？ Do you know what? This is like a trucker's place. Are we staying here?
制片人说没错，并且这就是我们楼上的客房 The producers said yes,and that our room was upstairs.
噢，不赖啊！真的不赖？是啊 Oh, it's not so bad! Is it not so bad? Yeah.
噢，天啊 Oh, God.
史上最差的一夜。我一晚没睡 Worst night's sleep in history.It wasn't sleep.
就像隔壁这样。他们在干啥？ This lot. What were they doing?
像这样 That.
看我的 Look what I've done.
你在干啥？ What have you done?
这是腿部支架，这样我就能换档了。提供膝盖支撑 It's a leg brace so I can change gear. So it supports my knee.
走吧。出发吧，把这玩意拆了... Let's go. Let's just move on,erase it...
你知道那些冰上行驶的卡车司机吗，他们总是抱怨 You know those Ice Road Truckers,they're always going,
我们工作太幸苦...如今他们能闭嘴了 We got a real tough job...They can shut up.
因为他们不可能像这里的司机一样 Cos I don't suspect that the Ice Road Truckers
睡得这么安详 have to sleep like this chap here.
看那伙计 Look at him.
动身前我查看地图，研究我们走到哪了 Before leaving, I checked the map to see how far we'd come.
不是？这里？你确定？ No? Here? Are you sure?
这里 Here.
给我瞧瞧。哈蒙德 Show me. Hammond.
这是出发点 This is where we began.
我们应该朝这走，然后到这里，这里 We're heading for here,up here, around here.
你猜我们现在大概在哪？ So where do you think we are, then,on this road?
不，我们在这 No. We're here.
还记得离开仰光的那条岔路，詹姆士是靠左开的吗？ You know that fork when we left Rangoon and James went left?
昨天我们沿着这条路一直开了14、15小时？ All of yesterday we drove up here.What was it, 14, 15 hours?
是的，但...你带着我们一直奔向孟加拉 Yeah, but... You're on the way to Bangladesh.
詹姆士提议原路返回仰光，重来一次 James suggested we go all the way back to Rangoon
我果断拒绝，并炒掉他领航员的职务 and start again, but I fired him as navigator and said
之后决定翻越山脉回到正确路线中去 we should take a small road over the hills to get back on course.
这意味我们要驶进大山深处 This would mean driving deep into the sticks.
似乎坐在卡车顶上是这里的传统习俗 There seems to be a tradition here for riding on a lorry rather than
我刚看到几个人 necessarily in it. I've just seen three or four blokes
坐在卡车的货物上 on the top of the cab of a lorry.
如果来个急刹车 So if he brakes suddenly,
他们就悲剧了 they all get run over, I suppose.
还有更糟的 Still, could be worse.
呃！ Uh!
我不是年轻人我也不很健康，说实话 I'm not a young man and I'm not a fit man, I'll be honest.
我一直忍受着这车。太折磨人了 And I am suffering in here.This ride is really brutal.
问题在于我的运动卡车是为 The problem is that the sports lorry was designed
载货设计的 to work for a living,
后面通常有好几吨货物压舱 was designed to have five or six tonnes of stuff in the back.
如果没有压舱物，它就会不停的颠簸 Without that weight, it's just bouncing all over the place.
显然，我不会向那俩货承认这点 Obviously, I didn't want to admit this to my colleagues,
所以在某处停车休整时，我打算解决这问题 so when we stopped for tea I tried discreetly to rectify the problem.
他把砖块扔进货舱用来达到平衡目的 He's putting bricks in his truck to weigh it down to improve the ride.
我知道。但他需要很多砖头 I can see. He's going to need a lot of bricks.
为了解决这个问题 Having come to the same conclusion,
我决定借詹姆士的吊车一用 I decided to borrow James's complicated crane.
我无法忍受这种场景 I can't stand watching this.
很好 Right.
见鬼？你在干什么，白痴！ What the hell's happening? What have you done, you moron！
我猜你是想把车吊起来 I think you've actually caught your own lorry.
停下来！救命！我的膝盖！ Stop! Help! My knee!
求救！ Save the day!
哦，老天。停下来！放下来！ Oh, dear. Stop! Put it down!
你会弄坏起重臂的。还会弄坏我的车 You'll break the jib off the crane.And you've knackered my lorry.
我只想把车倾斜一点点 I've just saved the day by tipping my lorry up.
砖块掉出来了，手刹没拉 The bricks have fallen out,the handbrake's not on.
你都干了些什么？好了 What have you done? It is on.
之后，我决定用更有技术含量的方法 At this point, I opted for a less high-tech solution.
装满一吨砖头后 And after they'd loaded a tonne of bricks in the back,
驾驶感受显著提高了 there was a noticeable difference.
虽然不完美，但有明显改善 It's not perfect,but it's a hell of a lot better.
如果多装点东西，那就更舒服了 If I put more weight in,it will be even more comfortable.
于是在下个村庄，我买了些当地特产的种子 So at the next village, I bought some of the region's special seeds.
他在干啥？ What's he doing?
估计他认为自己买的是海洛因 He thinks he's bought some heroin.
我买了。是吗？ I have. Has he?
我买的是海洛因。那是大米。不是米。就是米 I have bought heroin. It's rice.It isn't rice. It is rice.
理查德·哈蒙德，相信我，如果在伦敦 Richard Hammond, trust me on this,on the streets of London,
这些东西值1200万英镑（123028920人民币） this has a value of £12 million.
不，伙计，在乐购的货架上（Tesco：英国大型连锁超市） 这些就值五镑（51人民币） No, mate, on the shelves of Tesco,that has a value of about a fiver.
它们不是大米！你打算和豆子一起煮吗？ It's not rice!Are you going to cut it with peas?
把海洛因装车后 With the heroin loaded,
我又发现一段树桩 I found a heavy old tree stump
于是叫詹姆士把它也吊上车 and asked James to crane it on board as well.
他看上去很兴奋 He is so unbelievably happy.
运动卡车满载后，感觉焕然一新 With the sports lorry fully loaded,it was transformed.
哦耶！ Oh, yeah!
颠簸感没了，悬挂开始起作用 First bump, I shan't even feel it,because the ride is sublime.
就像驾驶一辆劳斯莱斯幻影 The ride of a Rolls-Royce Phantom.
然而在山路上，缺点暴露了出来 However, on the hills,there was a bit of a downside.
哈罗，詹姆士，理查德？ Hello, James and Richard?
啥？ What?
这是我的最高车速 This is my new top speed.
噢，老天，我还以为被助动车给堵住了 Oh, God, I thought we were stuck behind a moped.
这就是你的最高速？ I couldn't see. Is this it?
没错 Yes.
你这个路障 You're a right dipstick.
是的 Yes.
由于路太窄，我们没法超过他 And because the road was so narrow,we couldn't get past him.
呃-噢！ Uh-oh!
陡坡 Steep gradient.
加大油门 Foot hard down.
见鬼，有麻烦了 Dearie me, we're in trouble here.
无语！几乎要停下来了 This is ridiculous!We're hardly moving.
不，真停了。你们需要倒下车 No, we've had it.You're going to have to back up.
我需要助跑。啥？它爬不上这坡 I need a run-up for this bit. What? It won't go up this hill.
你们必须倒车 You're going to have to back up.
不，这山有一英里长的发卡弯 No, this hill has gone on for about a mile through hairpins.
我不会倒下去 I'm not reversing back down.
詹姆士，你能给他解释一下目前状况么？我不能前进 James,could you explain the situation to him? I can't go forwards.
我一样不同意倒车 I can't back up either.
首先哈蒙德在我前面，并且我也不愿意听你的 A, Hammond's in the way,and B, I can't be bothered.
后面有弯道，还有骑车人。我不答应 There's round bends,this people on bikes. No.
好吧，那只有一种解决方案了。给车减负 Well, there's only one thing for it,then. I have to lose weight.
噢，不 Oh, no.
不！杰瑞米，这样不好... No! Jeremy, that's not...
你简直不可理喻，像个无理取闹的小屁孩 You are a complete child,a petulant child.
你们要我别挡路 You wanted me to move out of your way.
现在我做到了 I am now able to move out of your way.
看啊。是的！ Look at this. Yes!
看这车跑的多欢。 This lorry is now scampering up these hills.
好吧。干得好... Right. Well...
1、2... One, two...
停车修好后门的同时，等他们俩赶上来 Stopping to mend my tailgate allowed the others to catch up,
当他们再次出现，气氛变得有些紧张 and when they did,they weren't in the best of moods.
我给你想了个新名字。叫做自私的（和谐音） I've got a new handle for you on the CB. It's called Selfish BLEEP.
几英里后，情况不但没好转 And things didn't improve a few miles later
我选的路线反而变得更糟 when the hill route I'd selected went a bit wrong.
说实话，你挑的路其实不是路，对吧？ Your road is sort of not a road,is it? Let's be honest.
克拉克森，你简直是个... Clarkson, you are a...
这里没路。我们行驶在浅滩里 It's not really a road here at all.We've got a ford.
好吧，淌过去 Here we go, into the water.
车轮空转，打滑严重 Lots of wheel spin, sliding badly.
噢，很好 Oh, yes.
运动卡车成功涉水 The sports lorry is clear,it's through.
来个胜利表情 It's time for the smug face.
接下来是龟速船长...开着他的吊车 Mr Slowly went next...in his van.
摆动很大 That's quite clunky.
这是...被某种东西卡住了，我能感觉到 It's... There's something stuck there, I can feel it.
前轴会被别断的 We'll break the front axle off.
哈蒙德立刻伸出援手 Hammond immediately rushed to May's aid.
出动 Ramming.
停住！ Stop!
詹姆士尝试把哈蒙德的车当锚钉 James then tried to winch himself off
用自己绞盘脱困 using Hammond's truck as a ground anchor.
泰德·纳金特和乔治·迈克在互相帮助脱离困境 （Ted Nugent：美国摇滚明星，吉他手 George Michael：英国籍希腊裔创作歌手） Ted Nugent and George Michael are helping one another out.
在他们失败之后，我试着把他们拖出来 After this failed,I tried to tow him clear.
3、2、1，走！ Three, two, one, now！
显然也没用 But that didn't work either.
停！ Stop!
之后他决定使用起重臂，接着就挂了 He then decided to use his crane,which immediately broke.
这下彻底困住了，于是我们被迫启动紧急预案 He really was stuck, so we were forced to take drastic action.
哈蒙德和我密谋之后，我们毅然决定... Hammond and I have had a bit of a chat and we are...
决定跑路先 Well, we're leaving him.
他买了一辆毫无牵引力的货车 He has bought a van that has no traction at all,
没一丁点越野能力 no ability to work off road
现在连液压系统都坏了，也就说没一样是好的 and now no hydraulics so none of his tools work.
这就是残酷的丛林法则 You've got to be ruthless in these circumstances.
如果吊臂是好的，他还有点用 With his crane, he was useful.
但现在坏了，那他就是累赘 Without it,he's just another mouth to feed.
我又开始了新一段和变速器斗智斗勇的旅途 I settled in for another stint with the world's most cooperative gearbox.
噢，老天，又没挂上 Oh, bollocks, missed again.
还是空的 Nothing there.
空的，挂上了 Nothing there, there it is.
我知道，在这种路上，哈蒙德比我的情况更糟 I knew, on these twisting roads,life was even worse for Hammond.
太讨厌了 This is really annoying.
但至少，我还能动 Still, at least I was moving.
状况报告 The situation report.
我遇到一个好心本地卡车司机拔刀相助 I've been rescued by a very helpful local man with his truck.
虽然不知道他名字 I still don't know his name.
他借了我一套弧焊机 He's lent me this arc welder
修复起重臂的液压连杆 to repair the shaft that drives the pump that makes the crane work.
之后，这名雷锋侠把我的车 With that done, my fellow knight of the road towed me
拖回了坚实的陆地 back to firmer ground.
重获新生 And then we're free.
对这哥们我打心眼里千恩万谢 I must remember to say a thousand chei-zu-boos to this man.
前方路漫漫。我们一边挺进一边爬山 Miles ahead. in the advance party,we were really starting to climb.
哦-嚯-嚯！ Oh-ho-ho!
喔！ Wow!
路上景色棒极了 The views were stunning.
爬到山顶后，我们停下来四处走走看看 And at the top of the hill,we pulled over for a bit of a look.
我们通常把意大利比作上帝的赛车场 You know we always say that Italy is God's race track,
加拿大则是上帝的储藏室，德国是上帝的工作间 Canada is his pantry,Germany is his workshop
而这里，是上帝的花园 That's his garden.
太美了 Absolutely staggering.
“抓地力船长” 肯定也喜欢这片美景，但..... Captain Traction would have enjoyed this view very much, however...
见鬼 Bollocks.
本地挖掘机驾驶员推了我一把 The local bloke with a digger is giving me a little leg up there.
太棒了，一定是前世积德 It's great, isn't it? This must be Buddhism in action.
我要信佛了 I might convert.
甭管我现在信啥 From whatever I already am.
在那遥远的地方，哈蒙德和我 Very, very far ahead,Hammond and I finally found the road
终于回到了正确线路 we should have been on in the first place.
最高档 Put it in top gear.
进去了，爽 There it is. Oh, yeah.
听起来真糟 That sounds terrible.
感觉回到了西班牙，家徒四壁 It's like being back in Spain.Nothing on it.
会和后，我们继续前行 Regrouped, we continued onwards.
目的地，缅甸新首都奈比多 Our destination, Burma's brand-new capital city, Naypyidaw.
这里，制片人一如既往为我们准备了几个破茅草屋休息 Here, the producers had once again lined up a hovel for us to stay in.
但是我们浑身汗臭，精疲力尽 But we were hot, filthy and worn out.
于是我们无视制片人，直奔城里最好的酒店 So we ignored them and headed for the best hotel in town.
憋不住了 A flushing lavatory.
噢，大脑已经麻木 Oh, rest my weary head.
得喝两杯 Having first filled it with gin.
噢，听这雨声 Oh, listen to that rain.
冒雨冲进去，倒计时开始 It'll be like the shower or something. 30 seconds.
我们现在的问题是 Our only problem was that two of us
其中两人衣衫褴褛 weren't exactly dressed for a place like this.
我去说 Let me do the talking.
晚上好，晚上好，先生 Good evening, sir. Evening, sir.
3间房，谢谢 Three rooms, please.
抱歉先生，客满了 Sorry, no more rooms, sir.
全被预定了 Fully booked.
实在抱歉 Sorry, sir.
经历又一个糟糕夜晚后的早晨 The next morning after another dreadful night,
我们达成共识，决定改装各自的卡车 we decided enough was enough and agreed we should modify our lorries
让它们更适合这段旅程 to make them more suitable for our travels through Burma.
于是我们找了个作坊，雇了几个当地民工 So we found a workshop,hired some local help,
连夜施工 toiled through the night,
第二天早上完美竣工 and the next morning the job was done.
我做的所有改装 Every modification I have made
灵感都来自我不想撞死任何一个当地人 is inspired by my desire not to run over any of the locals.
所以我加了个佛像 So it has, for example,Buddha looking down,
带来好运的大象，还有非常重要的猫头鹰 a lucky elephant, the lucky owl which is very important,
升级后视镜 it has better mirrors,
强光灯组，和这件安全背心 better lights and it is wearing a high visibility jacket.
没错，是你的风格，后面那锅炉是干什么的？那是... Yes, as are you. What is the boiler in the back? That...
你的啤酒桶？啥？很遗憾不是 Are you brewing beer? What? No, sadly.
那是制动系统冷却箱 It's the water tank for the brake cooling system.
啥，和场地赛卡车一样？一模一样 What, like racing lorries have? Exactly like that.
它能喷水。我装了一个开关 It sprays. I've got a little switch.
它在制动器上喷水，这样下坡时减速更佳 It sprays water on the drums,makes them more efficient downhill.
我咋没想到。我也是。那盒子是干啥的？ I didn't think of that.No. What's the box?
空调。空调跟安全有神马关系？让我时刻保持警惕 Air conditioning. What's that got to do with safety? Keeps me alert.
真的？没错。也会让他保持警惕 Does it? Yes.And keeps him alert as well.
因为他会搞破坏。没错 Because he'll want to break it. Yes.
杰瑞米给我们展示了他的成果 Jeremy then showed us his work.
为啥不做敞篷卡车呢。因为下雨。但是瞧它! Why would you not have a convertible lorry. Cos it's raining. Look at it!
其实....其实看起来还不错.挺赞的 It's... It's quite good actually.Smashing. It's very good.
福特野马条纹.还贴着运动款标志 Shelby striping.Sports badging on the side.
后面是生活舱 Living accommodation on the back.
用铅和铑为原料打造。真的？ This is fashioned from lead and rhodium. Is it?
没错，增加车重提升舒适性。后面来 Yes, for extra weight to improve my ride. Come back.
简约实用的生活舱，野马风用品以及实木地板 Simple, crisp accommodation inside, Shelby bedding and ebony wood floor.
进一步增重。怎么样！确实不错 More weight. Come on! It looks brilliant.
不得不承认，哈蒙德的卡车也不错 As, it must be said,did Hammond's.
哈蒙德，你换了白边胎！没错，是的！ Hammond, you've got white walls! Oh, yeah, yeah!
丑小鸭变天鹅。哇！赞吧！ The ugly duckling has become a swan.Wow! Yeah!
看这里。别告诉我这是排气管 Check out my stacks. Please don't tell me they're exhausts.
没错。两边都有 Yeah. Both sides.
纳尼，真是...？没错，T型焊接 What, actually func...? They are.Yeah, there's a T-junction.
等下，你把车弄得更高了。没错，确实更高 Hang on, you've made it even taller.I have. It's bigger
更棒了。不过，来看后面。这个...说实话 It's better. But, come round the back, this... Honestly.
他前言不搭后语了。确实很兴奋 He did a little skip then.He's very excited.
我现在非常....这里，是卫生间。浴室 I am very, very... What I have here, this is the bathroom area. Shower.
还有淋浴！水从哪来？哈哈！哈你妹 It's got a shower. Where's the water come from? Ha-ha! Ha-ha yourself.
在顶上，有储水槽。大概这么大 There is, up the top, a reservoir.About so big.
在观景台上。哈蒙德，那就是个水桶，水桶而已 On my viewing gallery. Hammond, it's a bucket. It's... It's a bucket.
那是移动蓄水池 It's a remote reservoir.
而且，就是现在 And that is, right now,
正在收集新鲜，纯净，营养丰富的无根之水 collecting beautiful crisp, clean,fresh, invigorating rainwater.
这里是闪亮的烹饪区。那是什么？ This is the kitchen area with lino to reflect that. What's that?
那是衣柜 Over there is a wardrobe.
旁边是蚊帐吊床，和地球仪饮料架 There is a hammock with mosquito net built-in.Drinks globe on the right.
哈蒙德滔滔不绝 And Hammond wasn't finished.
从这里，我可以悠闲的欣赏日落美景 From up here, on a sunny evening,I can sit here as the sun goes down
凝望布满繁星的夜空，享受饮品 gaze at the stars and enjoy a drink from my drinks globe.
土豪可以带朋友上去吗？可以 Do you take visitors? Yeah.
他会需要的，我刚想到 I think he's going to have to because something has just occurred to me.
啥？你车上没有生活区 What? You haven't got any living accommodation.
没错。你居然没有生活舱，笨蛋！ That's a very good point.You've forgotten it, you idiot!
不，我没忘 No, I haven't.
你肯定忘了。难道你睡驾驶室？ Well, you have.Are you sleeping in the cab?
那肯定不舒服，让...让我们拭目以待 Because it's not going to be comfortable. Let's... Let's see.
出发之前，我给同事们买了点礼物 Before we set off,I gave the chaps some presents.
你给我们送泰迪熊？不，这是我的。没搞错吧？ You bought us a teddy bear? No, that's for me. Is it?
是的，这是我的引擎盖装饰，你寂寞了？这是你的啥？ Yeah, that's my bonnet ornament. Are you feeling lonely? It's your what?
引擎盖装饰是为了加重，这是缅甸最重的泰迪熊 Bonnet ornament for weight. It's the heaviest teddy bear in Burma.
我为哈蒙德也准备了个引擎盖装饰 I'd got Hammond a bonnet ornament too.
哇，真漂亮 Wow, that's beautiful.
我知道你没表所以给你准备了个 I know you don't have a clock so you'll have it on the bonnet,
这样你就能知道时间。噢，这真是... you'll be able to tell the time.Oh, it really is...
高质量礼品。噢，棒极了！谢谢 It's a high-quality gift.Oh, fantastic! Thank you.
我一直想要个羊角锤 I've always wanted a Shuanglin hammer.
这是从我私人珍藏里拿出来的 It's from my own personal collection.
在给泰迪熊起名拉迪亚德，并且绑上卡车后，我们出发了 Having christened my bear Rudyard,and attached him to the sports lorry, we set off.
噢，感觉好多了 Oh, this feels better already.
噢，等等 Oh, hang on.
理查德·哈蒙德变身海神波塞冬 Richard Hammond is doing a remake of The Poseidon Adventure.
还有很多路要赶 We had many miles to cover
但我们得先闯过奈比多的早高峰 but first we had to get through Naypyidaw's morning rush hour.
这早高峰没我想象的那么糟 This rush hour traffic is not as bad as I thought.
路上空空如野，宽敞无比 The roads were completely empty.And massive.
1、2、3、4、5、6、7、8。一共16车道 One, two, three, four, five, six,seven, eight. Yep, 16 lanes now.
等等，现在更宽了 Wait, it's gone bigger.
5、6、7、8、9、10.20 Five, six, seven, eight,nine, ten. 20.
现在是20车道了 It's 20 lanes now.
也许这景象看起来荒谬之极，但其实不是这样 This may look stupid and pointless,but actually it really isn't.
目前大多城市遇到的问题是 The problem with most cities is that the growth comes
快速发展速度超越了自身的调节能力 and the city simply can't accommodate it.
这种情况在伦敦、罗马、巴黎、曼谷等大城市比比皆是 That happened in London, Rome,Paris, Bangkok, everywhere.
但这里绝不会发生 That is not going to happen here.
我认为这里是第一个 I think this must be the first city built
为未来而建的城市 entirely in anticipation of the future.
但那毕竟是未来 But the future hasn't arrived yet.
就现在看来，整个城市就像被遗弃了一般 So, for now, the whole place is almost completely deserted.
即便在政府大楼眼皮下 Even here, in the shadow of the parliament building
我们甚至可以在路中央玩球 we were able to have a game of football in the middle of the road.
警官先生 Officer.
缅甸警察大战TOP GEAR。哦不，高峰时段，游戏结束 It's the Burmese police versus Top Gear. Oh, no. Rush hour, game over.
瞧那“揪心”的交通 Look at it, traffic.
说实话，地面太湿不适合玩球 Really though,it was too wet for football.
于是我们无视哈蒙德的喊叫，展开一场市中心直线加速赛 So, much to Hammond's annoyance, we organised a city centre drag race.
这不太公平 This doesn't seem fair.
我跟杰瑞米用的是一样的6.4升直列6缸柴油引擎 I've got the same 6.4 litre Isuzu straight-six diesel as Jeremy's
没准詹姆斯也一样，但我的车大多了 and probably James's,but the lumber bus is bigger.
我们没可能凯旋了，宝贝 We're not going to cover ourselves in glory here, old girl.
悲剧的起步。上吧！ Disastrous start. There it is!
会很伤，我们要提高转速 This is going to hurt,we're going to have to rev you hard.
运动卡车后起直追，冲啊 Sports truck is gaining. Gaining.
冲啊，冲啊，冲啊 Gaining. Gaining, gaining.
不！ No!
115公里每小时 115km an hour.
加油！是的！ Come on! Yes!
哦，胜利的感觉太妙了 Oh, victory is sweet.
第二名，不过我可背着一个起重机 Second place.But I have got a crane.
减速，减速 Must brake, must brake.
噢，刹车踏板下有个球，这可不妙 Oh, got a football under the brake pedal. That's bad.
哈蒙德，你冲线了没？ Hammond, have you finished yet?
还没到 Still going.
在哈蒙德冲线后，我们离开了奈比多 After Hammond had lumbered across the line, we headed out of Naypyidaw
很快我们就发现各自的改装有不少缺陷 and soon we started to discover some flaws with our modifications.
噢，我的...不...不，等等 Oh, my... No...no, wait.
我现在顶着雨伞告诉各位 I'm speaking to you now from underneath my businessman's umbrella.
雨水只用15分钟就透了进来 It has taken the water about 15 minutes to fathom it out
现在驾驶室犹如泉涌 but it's in here now and it's in in great quantities.
哦，我听见排气管刮到树了 Oh, I can hear my exhaust hitting a tree.
哈蒙德，你把园林局的活都抢光了 Hammond, you're doing the council out of a job, mate.
感觉在台风过后的残骸中穿行 It's like I'm driving through the aftermath of a hurricane.
我们应该叫他秃毛孔雀 Let's rename him Pruning Peacock.
不久，詹姆斯为他的嘲笑付出了代价 Soon, though,James was punished for mocking.
修理工船长 Captain Workmanship.
散热管泄漏，根本没碰过它 It's a radiator hose.It's not a bit I've touched.
不管怎样，按老传统 Well, we have a tradition.
哦不，你们走了我该怎么办 Oh, no, how am I going to do it without them
留下詹姆斯一人自说自话... Leaving James to deliver an interesting lecture...
如果你在工程学院 If you're watching this from an engineering workshop
或者技工学校，我的工具是不合适的 or technical college, this is not the correct tool for the job.
我们继续旅程 we continued on our way.
我感觉尾气顺着烟囱进驾驶室了 I think a lot of the fumes are coming into the cab from under my new stack.
改装没起改进作用 Not all of my improvements have turned out to be improvements.
英国环卫工传统 The simple tradition of the British dustman,
卡车上绑泰迪熊 putting a teddy bear on the front of a lorry,
给缅甸孩子带来欢乐 is bringing joy to the children of Burma.
他们喜欢拉迪亚德！ They love Rudyard!
下午我们在此汇合 By mid-afternoon we were all reunited
詹姆斯上来就要我给他修车 and James took advantage of my mobile maintenance service.
一点都不危险 This isn't perilous at all
噢，推3到4英寸 Oh, it's about three or four inches.
过了 Too far.
不久，开始爬坡，天也黑了 Soon, the road started to climb,and as night fell,
我打开高亮灯组 I turned on the roof lights that I'd fitted myself.
噢，耶！ Oh, yes!
音乐：“天上的伟大演出”- 平克·佛洛伊德 MUSIC: "The Great Gig In The Sky"by Pink Floyd
我正进行一场平克·佛洛伊德的伟大演出 I'm driving a Pink Floyd gig right now.
爱死这里了！这声音，这混乱，这炎热... I love this! The noise, the chaos, the heat...
我觉得掉了一个... I think I might have just lost one of my...
没错，掉了一个排气管 Yeah, I did. I lost a stack.
继续前进 I've got to carry on.
装作啥事没发生 I'm just going to pretend I didn't.
与此同时，黑暗中詹姆斯大发慈悲 Meanwhile, in the darkness,James was coming over all Buddhist.
坐稳，前方出现一条狗 Hang on, I've got a personal dog escort here.
好狗不挡路！ Shift your ass, dog.
噢，老天，求你了！ Oh, God, give me strength!
我觉得那条狗是神派来的 I think that dog was inhabited by a benign spirit.
真的 - 如果那狗没挡我 Seriously - if that dog hadn't done that,
我就直接和客车撞上了 I'd have gone onto the bridge and I'd have hit the bus.
很遗憾，5英里后神犬离我们而去 Sadly, Buddhist dog wasn't around when five miles later,
我又抛锚了 I had another breakdown.
这玩意掉了，自己坏掉的 That's what came off. That's the old one, which tore itself to shreds
正常修理，把温度传感器里的电线抽出来 and in the process, pulled the wire out of the sender
我现在没有温度计了 for the temperature gauge,so I don't have that any more.
这车真废物 This lorry is crap.
前方，理查德和我正在期待 Up ahead, Richard and I were looking forward
今晚的住宿地会是啥样 to a night in our new on-board accommodation.
多亏大英帝国往日的荣光，我们没有苦苦寻找 But thanks to the British Empire,we didn't need it.
在海拔4000英尺的 After a night here,
缅甸小山村环抱的英式旅馆里 4,000 feet up a mountain in a small village in the middle of Burma,
度过一夜 at this strangely odd but comfortable Bournemouth hotel,
我们精神焕发 we were feeling refreshed.
哈蒙德作领头羊 And with Hammond leading,
离开小村仅仅几个小时 we were out of the village in a mere couple of hours.
坚持住 - 哇哇哇哇 Hang on - whoa, whoa, whoa,whoa, whoa.
哇哇哇哇！ Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
噢，老天... Oh, God...
慢慢来。OK？ Go slowly. OK?
噢，谢谢 Oh, thank you.
继续，坚持住... Keep going, hang on...
难道一整天都要在电线下艰难穿行么？ Are we going to spend the whole day tiptoeing under telephone wires?
不会的，因为你总会抛锚 No, because you'll break down eventually.
OK，有辆摩托车会跟你擦肩而过 OK, there's going to be a motorcyclist coming past you.
注意他的头盔 Check out his helmet.
这哥们阵营明确啊 That's quite a strong statement.
瞄了眼地图后 After a quick map check,
我决定抄近路 I decided we should take a tempting-looking short cut.
好的，都跟着我 Right, follow me.
结果相当顺利 Which went well.
噢，老天... Oh, dear God...
你的近路还有别的惊喜不？ Any other adventures lined up on your short cut, Jeremy?
滑坡或者雪崩...？ Landslides, or avalanche...?
不过是场热带阵雨而已，一会就停了 It's just a tropical mountain shower. Gone in a jiffy.
也许没那么快 Or maybe not.
不，看起来太可怕了 No, this looks pretty terrible.
最终，我的路线把哥仨带到了偏远山区 Eventually, my scenic route brought us to a remote settlement
地图上都找不到 that was very much...off the grid.
好消息是这村子没电线 Good thing is in this little town there'll be no low wires.
但有更糟的情况 Instead,there was something worse.
噢，不！ Oh, no!
噢，不。噢，情况不太妙 Oh, no. Oh, this is bad.
我被卡住了，彻底卡住了 I'm stuck, I'm stuck.
等等，我先把车停好再回来看你。坚持住 Hang on, I'll park up and come back on foot. Stand by.
厌倦了哈蒙德的烟囱问题 Bored with Hammond's chimney-related problems,
我小小探索了一番 I went on an explore.
然后发现当地人在玩一种类似足球的游戏 And found some locals playing something that was nearly football.
绝妙的想法，他们让和尚做裁判 This is a brilliant idea.They're using a monk as a referee.
他还抽烟 And he's smoking.
桥那边，村民们拿出工具箱 Back at the bridge, the villagers had broken out their tool box.
真的？ 如果你确定 Really? If you're sure.
OK OK.
把牌匾挪开 Move the entire sign.
我都没这么热心过，我们知道 I wouldn't be this helpful.We know that.
与此同时，我发现了《夺宝奇兵》里的奇景 Meanwhile, I'd stumbled on a scene from an Indiana Jones movie.
成千上万啊！ There's thousands of them!
他们说“赶紧。沉着呢”噢，好的。OK... That's "Hurry up. It's heavy." Oh, right. OK...
情况咋样？詹姆士，我看不见情况 How we doing? James, I can't see.
继续 Yeah
OK！很好，过去了？ OK! Yes. You through?
耶！ Yay!
离开小镇，我们的进度很顺利 With the town behind us,progress was good.
然后...情况就变了 And then...it wasn't.
我的油量...快干了 My fuel gauge is...just on the top of the red.
呃...我没油表 Um...I don't have one.
我的引擎和你一样 What I do have is the same engine as you
但我更沉，所以耗油肯定比你多 but a much heavier truck,so I must have used more.
在我选的捷径上 And out here on my short cut,
一家油站都没有 there were no filling stations at all.
指针现在 The needle is now
基本到红线了 nearly all in the red.
试着减小油门 Trying to use the tiniest throttle movements,
能走就行 just to keep it ticking along.
在下一个小镇，詹姆士和我停车 In the next village,James and I decided to pull over
检查剩余油量 and dip our tanks.
我没油了，一点不剩？ I've got no fuel. None?
标尺最下有点湿而已 A smear on the end of the stick.
情况咋样？ What's the news?
一干二净。都干了，接下来怎么办 None. I mean, it's dry,I don't know what I'm running on.
如果跑没油了 If you actually run a diesel out
就得给整个系统排气泡对吧？要好几个小时。没错 you've got to bleed the system,haven't you? And it's hours.Yeah.
你干嘛不去村里看看能不能找到点油？ Well, look, why don't you just go and snout around the village and see if you can find some?
为什么是我？ 因为你年轻身体好 Why me? You're the youngest and fittest.
这都是你造成的。但我是个筋疲力竭的老年人 Well, it's your fault we're in this situation. But I'm old and hot.
你选的路。要去也必须你去 It's your short cut. Seriously. If anybody's got to go, it's you, mate.
行，行，我去 Right, right, I'll go.
燃料。柴油。有多少要多少。没错 Fuel. Diesel.And as much as you can. Yes.
缅甸语柴油怎么说？ What is Burmese for "diesel"?
怎么表示柴油？表演开卡车 How do you mime "diesel"? Mime a lorry.
唔~~~~然后这样 Brrr... And then do that.
好的，我是个患有帕金森的持枪男仆 Right, so I'm a butler with Parkinson's,and I've got a gun.
杰瑞米上路了 Jeremy headed off.
他离开了好长时间 And was gone for quite some time.
还挺烫的 Still quite hot, that.
检查完毕。是吗？你在读《桂河大桥》？ Done the oil. Have you? Are you reading Bridge On The River Kwai?
没错，主人公刚进营房...坏消息。啥？坏消息。咋了？ Yeah, he's just gone into the hut...Bad news. What? Bad news. What?
找不到柴油 I haven't been able to get any diesel.
但我找到了替代品 However - I had come up with a clever alternative.
不，你个二货 No, you halfwit.
村里没柴油 There's no diesel in this village.
但下个村里有 But there is diesel in the next village.
所以我们骑马去下个村子 So we use the horses to ride to the next village,
把柴油运回来 get the diesel, bring it back to the trucks.
这不是拍西部片。我不会骑马。啥？ We're not in a Western.I can't ride a horse. What?
我只在8岁时练过，但是...那就没啥问题了么？ Well, I might have been pony trekking when I was eight, but... Well, it'll be in there, won't it?
我不会选那匹。天哪！ Well, I wouldn't use that one there.Holy moly!
缅甸马怎么有五条腿？也许能给自己喂奶？（- -#） Why do they have five legs in Burma? Maybe so it can milk itself?
想看一整天的马弟弟么,出发好吗？ Shall we spend all day looking at a horse's willy,or shall we go?
噢，不是这样... Oh, it's gone wrong...
作为最有经验的牛仔 Being the most experienced horseman,
我选了五腿神驹 I took the frisky five-legged stallion.
上来了 We're on.
噢，真费劲！ Oh, Christ almighty!
马哥，多担待啊 Hello, horse.
就叫你乐购好了 I shall call you Tesco.
准备，预备，走 Ready, steady, go.
我选了匹懒猪，它在倒车 Well, I've bought a stalled horse.It's going backwards.
它只有倒档 I've bought a reversing horse.
我认为如果我们先走，你的马就会跟上来 I think if we get moving,yours might follow more readily.
詹姆士，你能不能右转先？掉头 James, can you turn right and go up there? Turn around.
怎么让它掉头？谁知道怎么驾驶缅甸马 How do you make it turn around? Anybody know how to start a Burmese horse?
加油，跟着你的同事，很好 Go on, follow your mate.Yes. Very good.
它是反着来的... 我出发了！ The controls are reversed... I'm off!
哦耶 Oh, yeah.
很好！ Yeah!
音乐：“荒野大镖客”主题曲 - 埃尼奥·莫里康内 MUSIC: Theme from "A Fistful Of Dollars" by Ennio Morricone
很快，詹姆斯体会到开我运动卡车的感觉 Soon, James was getting a taste of what the ride was like in my sports lorry.
好蛋疼 My nadgers are getting a pummelling.
嗷，嗷，嗷，嗷，嗷，嗷，嗷，嗷... Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow...
看那菊花的动作 Look at the anal action going on here.
我的马对着你的马的菊花 My horse is going up your one's bottom.
噢，天哪，要撞上了。你先走 Oh, Christ, we've had an accident.You go ahead.
真吓人！ I'm terrified!
我蛋疼无比！ My nads are killing me!
噢，停下，拜托别打架！ Oh, stop that, please don't fight!
走吧。只要不打架，我不叫你乐购了 Walk on. I'll stop calling you Tesco if you promise not to fight.
走！ Go!
走啊。听懂了。嗷，嗷，嗷，嗷，嗷... Walk. There you go.Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow...
上帝啊！ 没多远了 坚持 詹姆斯 Oh, God above!Not much further now, James.
上帝！我是说 - 佛祖啊！ Jesus! I mean - Buddha!
走了几百码后 A few hundred yards further on,
理查德的五腿神驹想和詹姆士的赤兔缠绵一番 Richard's stallion decided to get amorous with James's mare.
噢！（和谐音）... Ooh! BLEEP...
噢！（和谐音）... Oh! BLEEP...
他掉下来了？ Has he gone?
出了啥事？马发飙了，小心被踢 What happened? It reared and mounted that. Don't get kicked.
情况变糟 Things quickly went to pot.
这是随队医生，准备查看理查德的伤情 This is the doctor,going to attend to Richard
但车陷住了 but the van is stuck.
我刚从“倒档”上下来 I've just dismounted my reversing horse,
感觉蛋疼无比 and actually genuinely have hurt my testes.
哦！现在总算明白为什么要贴上这玩意 Oh! I can see why they should be glue, these things.
理查德被查出手腕骨折 Richard was diagnosed with a suspected broken wrist
于是被立刻送往距此地4小时车程的医院 and went on a four-hour journey to the nearest hospital.
于是我牵着马去往下个村子找柴油 So I walked my horse to the next village to get fuel,
然后我们找到一片空地宿营 and then, we found a spot to camp for the night.
在这，我欣赏着美景 Here, while I enjoyed the view,
詹姆士搭起了帐篷 James unveiled his sleeping accommodation.
一个可以悬吊的登山帐篷 A mountaineering tent he could suspend from his crane.
这样我就能躺在起重臂下休息 So I'm going to rest it against the front of the cab.
那些虫子也没法钻进帐篷咬你 Cos all these bitey ants, they don't get in your tent and eat you.
这帐篷或许能防虫... It may have been insect-proof...
但能隔音吗？不 but soundproof? No.
我想上床睡觉 I want to go to bed.
但睡不着，那呼噜声。听啊 But I can't, with that racket going on. Listen to it.
第二天早上，我发现哈蒙德回来了 The next morning I discovered that Hammond was back.
所以只是扭伤？ So that's just a sprain?
是的。没骨折。没啥大不了 Yep. Not bust. Nothing exciting.
所以你还能打方向盘？ So what is it you have to do,basically steering?
是的，没错。你只是需要... Yeah, be all right.You just have to...
是的。还行。很好 Yeah. Still do that. Right.
卡车上睡怎样？ And how was sleeping in your lorry?
呃，还行。你呢？凑活 Um, not bad. What about yours? Fine.
詹姆士去哪睡了？他在干啥？ Where did James sleep in the end,what's he done?
噢，他弄了个可笑的登山帐篷挂在吊车上 Oh, he's got some stupid high-tech mountaineering tent on his crane.
为什么吊那么高？ Why is it up there?
额...知道他打呼噜吧？ Well... You know his snoring?
没错... Yeah...
太吵。我只好把他扔远点 Quite loud.So I moved him a bit further away.
我勒个去... Jesus...
卡拉克森！ Clarkson!
咋了？有你的 What? Funny.
真有你的。是啊。我不喜欢这么高 Very funny. Yes.I don't like heights,
我不喜欢宿营...我不喜欢打呼 I don't like camping...I don't like snoring.
好吧，可以出发了吗？ Anyway, shall we get on?
两个活宝把我弄下来后 After Pinky and Perky had winched me down,
我们继续第七天的长途卡车之旅 we set off on our seventh day of long-distance lorry driving.
我很吃惊他们居然为我加了油 I'm still staggered that they put diesel in my truck.
我是说，多么慷慨啊，如果加的真是柴油 I mean, that's a generous gesture.Assuming it is diesel.
哦，不 Oh, no.
哈蒙德...咋了？我另一个排气管也掉了 Hammond... What's happened? I've lost my other stack.
你知道的，我们不是美帝海军陆战队，所以拜拜 Well, as you know, we're not the US Marines,we leave a man behind.
好吧，真烫 Yeah, too hot.
呃，好吧... Er, right...
爬满了蚂蚁...噢，蚂蚁窝啊！ It's covered in ants...Oh, it's an ants' nest!
大错误。奥！ That's a mistake. Ow!
嗷！嗷！嗷！嗷！嗷！ Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
目前看起来，今天又要成为 This, then, looked like it was going to be
另一场悲剧 another day of calamities and mishaps.
但事实上，在缅甸这个区域 But actually, here,in this part of Burma,
我们必须认真对待 we had to get properly serious.
今天是大日子，我们正前往掸邦（前缅甸联邦的成员国之一） Today is a big day for us,because we are headed for the Shan.
我们节目以前去过很多偏远地区 Top Gear's been to a lot of remote places over the years
但从没去往这种地方 but we've never been anywhere quite like this.
掸邦和缅甸的关系就好比苏格兰和英国 The Shan is to Burma what Scotland is to Britain,
它是这国家的一部分，但又是独立的 it's a part of it,and yet it's separate.
我们知道这里曾发生过内战 We know there's been a civil war in there,
也了解现在暂时处于停战状态... we understand there's a cease-fire at the moment...
只有少量西方人来过这 Only a handful of Westerners have ever been there,
能肯定的是，从没摄制组被允许进入这里拍摄 and certainly, no TV show has ever been allowed in.
我们是第一批...绝对 We are the first...ever.
今晚所有的战士都会来这里 All of the people who've been fighting are coming together tonight
欢迎我们节目组的到来 to welcome us here to the Shan State.
有威士忌吗？芝华士呢？ Who's got any whisky? Got any Scotch?
（XX）的二档没了，现在引擎也（XX）了 BLEEP second gear failed and now the engine has BLEEP.
哈蒙德，你个二货！你撞上我了！ Hammond, you idiot! You've reversed into the sports lorry!
“凌晨5点开始修桥”？啥？ "Work on the bridge starts at 0500"? What?
跳下去！跳下去！ Get in! Get in.
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